The trouble with Wotsits is that they are too wonderful. They are one of the few foods that can be drunk whilst still in a solid state and they defy science by being a part of several food groups (dairy, fruit and vegetables and there-has-to-be-some-protein-in-there-somewhere-because-they-fill-you-up-better-than-a-Sunday-roast). They can also lead to the false belief that one can achieve anything whilst consuming only a multi-pack of them and various carbonated beverages for a week straight.
But what are Wotsits the heathens (or Americans) may ask? And how did they come into glorious existence? Well, having only a short 10 hours until morning, I will answer these questions as best I can within such parameters.
You know what Cheetos are? Well Wotsits are marginally similar aside from being better, and tastier and having the facility to beat Cheetos up in a fight, either prison rules or regular. Cheetos are in fact the bastard cousins of Wotsits, and though they may appear at the same social events, it leads to awkwardness and no one is proud of themselves after.
Wotsits came about many years ago when a some young scallywags were deliberating what to eat after a declaration that 'they could pure hefty go a scran'. One particularly sharp young squire added that it would 'be proper epic to the max' if they didn't even have to cook, and could just 'rip the tap aff a packit, know wit ah meen'. Scavenging their humble abode for some culinary delight, they stumbled across some 'tatties' and and some 'wee rid waxy baby cheese hings' and decide to combine them in hopes of ending their starvation. Behold, the heavens parted and a cheese-tastic form of savoury snack was born. However, in their hasty delight, an precariously balanced glass bottle of 'ginger' fell from a sofa arm and spilled over the treat. Awed silence ensued, only to be broken by a sounding 'that's the colour of yur maws hair'.
From then on, Wotsits, in all of their radioactive orange glory, began to flood the earth and keep the masses alive and merry. Some may disagree with the notion that Wotsits originate from Scotland, but I encourage those doubters to look at the facts... Scottish people are known for having ORANGE hair, for consuming more ORANGE coloured beverages than they do water and for raising their children on a combination of Wotsits, Irn Bru Bars and Fruit Shoots. What colour are all of these things, em, well, ORANGE. I've said enough, there can be no coincidence here.
In conclusion, it is safe to assume that Wotsits are a present from above, sent to give us cheer in dark hours of our mortality. Who knows, maybe less wars would be fought if more people fell asleep at night with orange stained finger nails and E Numbers relentlessly attacking their motor skills. I guess we'll never know.
The bizarre thing is that I'm not even eating Wotsits right now, nor have I for several weeks... They have simply been on my mind. With that official chubby-girl confession I bid you farewell... I'm off to the corner shop for a scran.
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